Last night, we spent the evening on the sofa. Grrr got up on the sofa to her favorite spot on her own and we joined her. Sat and played Wii CSI with her between us. Yoshi was hiding. She knew. King David was unusually calm and mellow and just hung around us. G came over and said bye to her.
She ambled off the bed and weakly made her own way down to the bedroom.
K carried her in to bed for an early evening. She settled on her/my pillow between us. She purred purred purred.
Eventually I fell asleep.

Kelly woke me up. I scrambled up and got in to K's bathrobe, which she never gets to wear because I hog it - like Grr with my pillow.
Tigger had gotten up around 4:30am, on her own and made her way out to the hall. K picked her up and took her to her water / food to see if that's what she wanted. Then she tried to make her way back to the litter box.
Dignified to her very end.
We called the house-call vet that could put her down at home.

She took a really bad down turn suddenly. Things were hurting. She crawled under the bed a while. Then into my arms on the floor where she laid her head on my wrist. Things were hurting her. She was a bit scared. She yoweled. I talked to her non stop and told her of my memories of her. We think it calmed her.
Just around 6am she died, quietly, in my arms. No more pain.

She had nearly 17 years with very little medical issues (a bit of kidney stone in her middle age, easily remidied with diet. Fleas that Yoshi brought in when we adopted her, again, easily remidied). She had a cush life (at least I did everything I could for that.) She hated the stepcats but eventually got used to them. She spent her full day and night at home, in her favorite spots, getting to decide what she wanted to do, sleep with Mommy and Daddy and die is their care and arms. No dying in a cage, afraid and lonely.

I wonder if she heard that I didn't want her to die while I was in London?
I'm going to be really really sad now, but I won't be worrying about her health or of K's well-being as she cared for Grrr.

The other kids know. Yoshi in particular, as she went through Sasha's death.

We're now off to the Vets to take Grrr's body for cremation.

Then I have to buck-up and pack and all that and get on a plane to London. I think I'll take a box of tissues with me.

I love the Grrr. Still do. K loves the Grrr too.
no more pain. just energy back to the cosmos.

I'm finding it enormously helpful to write about Tigger here but just don't quite have it to dialogue about her. I hope this makes sense. Just about anything sets me off on wailing and tears now.
I'll be more communicative and open about her soon. In the mean time, thank you for the well wishes. Keep sending the good vibes so she can be comfortable. I'm grateful to have a place to write out my grieving.

We brought her home.
The vet was compasssionate. I can't imagine dealing with distraught pet parents all the time. (The vet bill was astronomical. This is causing some serious changes in my plans and priorities. sigh)

She's camped at the water fountain / bowl. She's very thirsty and no interest in food. She's very weak.
I leave for London tomorrow. I'm preparing myself to the fact that tonight may be my last night with her hogging my pillow - er her pillow I guess.
K will be at home. She'll be caring for her, giving her meds, and may have to call the vet to our home when the time comes. I've been talking about Tigger's illness and my pain but it really sucks for her too. She's been great in supporting me. I'm a wreck.
wreck
wreck

King David's sniffing Tigger.
Yoshi is suspicious of all that's going on. She probably knows - she's the smartest cat we've ever met.

lord I gotta get my act together enough to pack and get ready.
The show must go on.
sigh

(Photo of Tigger on K's lap/top. 2005)


She ate a little and drank a little and didn't barf last night. We monitored her closely. Got her into a vet appointment first thing this morning. They kept her for tests, including ultrasound.
Her temperature n pulse are fine, her kidney count is high normal, she's anemic a bit, but they felt a lump in her abdomen. Ultrasounds shows very enlarged lymph nodes around her stomach or bowels. (I can't exactly recall the phone call). Currently they're looking at 3 different possible cause for that... from least to worst case scenario: bowel irritation with infection, small cell cancer, or mass cell cancer. If the first, they've got some good outcome treatment. (I forget the details now.). If the second there are things to make her life comfortable and might go in to remission. If the last, it's pretty grim. "Grim" was the term that the vet used.
More tests to find out.

In the mean time, she's at the vets, with my well worn and me-smelling hoodie, getting hydrated and monitored. She's on narcotics and fasting, both to relieve her discomfort. She's going to stay with them tonight. Her regular vet will be back in the morning and he'll take over her care/diagnosis.

I'm crying a lot but I feel better knowing that she's getting good care and we'll find out more clearly what's going on and what to do... which will help me to prepare better. I leave for London for a big presentation gig. I was worried that it would be something that would cause her to die while I'm away. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I want to be around to make things comfortable for her and - when the time comes, to make the best decision on euthenasia with the best possible environment and care for her. I want to spoil her silly.

oh and her medical bill... it was big. and it's not over. I really hope I can afford to pay for all this... (At the same time she was getting her tests, I was having procedure-number-I-don't-know-what at the dentist as the follow-up from my jaw surgery last year. Due to various family and creative reasons I've taken much of August off the road - which is good for some things - but as free-lance / self employed that's also means zippo dineros. But at least that means I'm around for Tigger.

I calculated her human equivalent age. At the 17 years, she's something like 85 years old.
I guess knowing that she's living a great life and has been quite healthy is comforting. But it's still really really hard. I'm glad I can touch type because I can't see the screen past my tears.
Man oh man it's going to be hard to work on my articles today and the London presentations.

For those of us who are pet parents, dealing with the ailments, aging and pending death of our loved animal companions is so deeply painful and difficult. When it comes to treatment and euthanasia, it's not like we can ask the patient for their desires. (although sometimes they will let you know in their own way.)

As omnivourous, carbon-based life forms, it would have been nice if our evolutionary process had equipped us a bit better with dealing with this... I am trying very hard to remember that this is the cycle, the wonderment that is life... that this is how us carbon based entities recycle our building blocks.
The pain of birthing, if you survive it, has built in euphoric effects to deal with it, our brains are programmed to bond with our young, our species are programmed with so many coping mechanisms for the inevitables of living on this planet and propagating... How about some for aging and dying? Perhaps the grief among the living around death and dying is part of the strategy to keep the sense of social / tribal bonding and encourage cohesion. I'm not sure. I'm babbling here.

That gray lump in the foreground is Tigger. Behind her, the black kitty is Yoshi and the sprawled big furball in the back is Kind David. This was taken within the last couple of months.



Ok I have to get back to the office and work now.

Monday night K took Tigger to the emergency pet hospital. They waited a couple of hours... then all sorts of tests. Then more waiting. Nothing wrong with her mouth or teeth. Kidney count's slightly elevated but not out of the ordinary, apparantly. She had a fever and was dehydrated so they gave her sub cutaneous hydration.
They can't figure out what's wrong wither.
After the hydration she's feeling a bit better. Purrs to K's pets. Growls at King David as is customary. She's not eating much kibbles but has been given the OK for boiled chicken and tuna with tuna water. She's eating the latter.
Keeping fingers crossed.

I just got a call from K. Something's wrong with Tigger, my 17 year old baby kitty. She's always been a cranky old lady so I worry that it'll be hard to tell when she's not well. K noticed that Tigger was drooling in her sleep and also this afternoon. She's not a drooler. And when K went to wipe her mouth she noticed an area at her lip like a skinned knee or an infection and she screamed when K tried to open her mouth. She's not as vocal as usual. She is drinking water, so that's good. K's going to see if she eats when the automatic kibble feeder goes off this evening.
We have an appointment with the vet but that's not until Thursday morning. If it seems to get worse or she's not eating we'll take her into an emergency vet. Hope it won't cost too much - as money's tight.
I'm worrying and stressing, while several thousand miles away in London. :( I'm just so glad that K's there.
Any animal experts out there there an opinion?
Do send her some good vibes.

here are photos of our three kids

Tigger on her favorite spot


Tigger and the elusive Yoshi



King David at 5 month and King David at 10 month in the same basket





King David, first week at home and already claiming the laptop and lap. Tigger is not amused.




Yoshi shares her room and her sun with King David