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I'm gathering a list of "damb ass" butt play reports for a funny but educational article I'm writing for my monthly column at bondage.com... Have you heard of anal sex action, toys or ideas that turned out bad, horror stories, urban myths, bloopers, funny mistakes, etc. Or even mistaken beliefs.

First hand, second hand, third hand or the big rumor mill. I don't care.

Got any?


( 33 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 3rd, 2008 11:06 pm (UTC)
So, when I first came out as a gay man at the age of 23, I wanted to be a good boy and “clean out” before my first play session with another guy. This was before the internet, but I owned a book that mentioned enemas. They also said that yogurt was good after the enema to replenish the internal flora that get washed away by the water.

However, I didn’t understand that the yogurt was supposed to be *eaten*.

Instead, I got on all fours and upended the Yoplait container into my butt. I forget what kind of yogurt it was, but I remember it had big pieces of fruit. When the top checked out my ass later in the evening, he almost passed out at the thick milky discharge that was coming out. True story… embarrassing... feel free to use it.
Aug. 3rd, 2008 11:11 pm (UTC)
OMG, I totally will.
I hope you wont' be insulted that it'll be going in the Hey Dumb Ass! section?
Nothing personal, you understand....

I'll think of you tomorrow morning as I eat my fruity yogurt.
Aug. 3rd, 2008 11:17 pm (UTC)
Not offended at all. Recently, I re-created that scene with a friend for fun. Yogurt without fruit makes for good lube.
Aug. 3rd, 2008 11:16 pm (UTC)
Chilli or anysort of bengay, dencorub or other muscle warming/soothing lotions up the arse - very bad idea
Aug. 3rd, 2008 11:35 pm (UTC)
Dumb Ass Stories...
Got one. Probably a shaggy dog, but here goes...

Late '70s, two gay baseball fans in San Francisco decide to celebrate the win of the Oakland A's in the World Series by having one fist the other one, holding a baseball.

Unfortunately, said baseball became STUCK in the other guy's rectum, necessitating a trip to the ER.

I wonder, seriously if when they got it out, the ER kept it in a box of "stupid things people have stuck up their ass."
Aug. 3rd, 2008 11:45 pm (UTC)
how about transmission hydraulic fluid as a lube. Seen the after effect it is not pretty. BTW do not do it is not a healthy effect dear reader.
Aug. 3rd, 2008 11:48 pm (UTC)
No evidences to varify, but it has always been an amusung parable . . .
When I was still living in New Orleans, there was an urban legend of somone having the misfortune of ending up Charity hospital emergency room with an inability to pass what his partner had inserted up his bum. X-rays revealed a series of Ken doll heads that had been inserted one by one going in, but were impacted and not coming out on their own. Rumor has it that the radiology department had a copy of the X-ray on display for the students to get an idea of what sort of oddities they could expect in their career.
Aug. 3rd, 2008 11:57 pm (UTC)
Re: No evidences to varify, but it has always been an amusung parable . . .
I think that's actually true. I remember something about it being in the paper here.

That's not to say everything you read in the paper is true, but I am prettys ure this is one urban legend that is true!
Aug. 3rd, 2008 11:53 pm (UTC)
A local legend, in three words:

Liquid Latex Enema.

IIRC, the ER treatment was piecemeal removal through a speculum.
Aug. 4th, 2008 12:45 am (UTC)
Here's three more words. What the fuck? >.< I hope that one's fake.
Aug. 4th, 2008 12:03 am (UTC)
I knew a guy who decided that a Granny Smith apple seemed like a good thing to shove up into his ass.

He tied a string around the stem so he'd be able to pull it back out.

Said apple got stuck and it was off to the hospital for a visit with the nice ER folks and a laser. Apparently, it's not a surgery one can do and leave again right away; he had to stay a few days while it healed, they made sure they got all the apple, etc.
Aug. 4th, 2008 12:13 am (UTC)
Friend of my partners and a trick in the early 80's (pre-condoms)... get frisky and discover the ubiquitous bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care lotion is empty. Friend rumages around in the bathroom until he finds a bottle of what seems to be a suitable lubricant. The two go at it like crazed bunnies.

Both wake up the next morning sore as all get out.. one inside, one outside. Look at bottle of "lube/lotion" and determine they've been fucking using "Pretty Feet".. with pumice, and both have fucked themselves raw.

True story.
Aug. 4th, 2008 12:21 am (UTC)
There's a medical web site with stories and soome photos of the things foills have had removed from their ass. The most WTF? in my opinion is the pair of guys who got drunk and one gave the other a *concrete* enema.

Apparently removal was the "standard" for most non-hazardous objects.

1. knock the guy out
2. use a speculum and/or lots of muscle relaxants to get the sphincter and rectum really dilated.
3. ease object out.
4. wait for patient to wake up and then prescribe pain killers for the very stretched and sore butt.

Aug. 4th, 2008 12:51 am (UTC)
Wow, I thought the liquid latex one above was bad. Exactly HOW drunk do you have to be I wonder to actually think putting liquid concrete in your ass is a GOOD idea. Really. :-/

"Hey, I have an idea! Let's make an imprint of what the inside of your ass looks like! I want to SEE it. It will be cool!"

"Yeah, hey. But how do we DO THAT?"

"I dunno? I've got some "quick crete" back at my house..." ^.^ LOL
Aug. 4th, 2008 01:06 am (UTC)

would be the site. *G*

never use a whole frozen fish...
Aug. 4th, 2008 12:46 am (UTC)
This is a classic from Craigslist
This is a story from Craigslist that I enjoy reading on occasion, as it never fails to amuse me.

It involves anal sex after a bad seafood dinner. A bit long, but well-worth the read (the writer's quite good).

Aug. 4th, 2008 01:05 am (UTC)
Mentions (again)the male subbie in a bit of a tizzy using Vicks vapour rub instead off lube on the butt plug he was told to insert by phone during a 300 mile trip to see me ........

Give him credit for keeping it on for 150 miles as well!
Aug. 4th, 2008 01:05 am (UTC)
well, this is embarassing but, it happened... I was once playing with myself with my anal beads and accidentally inserted them all and for the life of me couldn't get them to come out , it took me over an hour to get them to pop out again. needless to say it was a weird but, pleasurable experience but now, I use anal beads with a handle!
Aug. 4th, 2008 01:17 am (UTC)
Is it Phillip the Fool who likes getting hot things, like peppers, up his ass? I know there's someone with a name in the community, because I've seen him co-MC, but I'm not sure that's who it is. Still, hot pepper stories have got to be funny, right??? *chuckle* Especially since they gave him a variety pack of hot pepper sauce on stage...
Aug. 4th, 2008 02:59 am (UTC)
Truth is stranger than fiction
You may actually want to post this question to the LJ analplay community. Undoubtedly you will receive enough responses to fill your own website...
Aug. 4th, 2008 04:45 am (UTC)
worked in an er
well there are the billiard balls (13) inserted

then the various bottles

and the light bulbs.........
Aug. 4th, 2008 05:13 am (UTC)
since i work in the medical field, there are multiple stories of foreign objects being misplaced inside a persons rectum. of course, there was the "dead hamster" myth or the tobacco sauce.

i found it hard to believe until one day, an x-ray was taken in the ER of man who was using a vibrator for anal masturbation. Unfortunately, he had inserted it to the point of no return. In looking at the x-ray, you could see the shape of the vibrator, but also, the battery and the end piece. He had spent an hour trying to "dig" it out that he accidentally unscrewed the part where the battery was inserted. He was fortunate that he did not perforate his bowel!

Aug. 4th, 2008 05:46 am (UTC)
Pool/billiard balls. Have partner inset four and retrieve three. Panic about fourth missing ball, attempt to pass last ball on toilet via mighty straining, pass fourth ball like a cannonball... breaking toilet in the process.

Apparently the correct procedure in the event of a lost ball is to relax and wait for morning. Instead, I ended up calling a plumber.
Aug. 4th, 2008 07:38 am (UTC)
Is this what you were looking for ?
Rectal Impaction Following Enema with Concrete Mix
-- by Peter J. Stephens, M.D., and Mark L. Taff, M.D. from
the American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology
8(2):179-182, 1987.

This article describes an unusual rectal foreign body resulting from homosexual anal erotic activities. The patient had used an enema containing a concrete mix which became impacted and required surgical removal. The use, abuse, and complications of enemas are reviewed.

Key Words: Anal eroticism--Colorectal injuries--Enemas, cement--Foreign

During the last 20 years, sexual habits have changed in western society. Both homosexuals and heterosexuals have shown an increasing interest in anal erotic practices, including the use of enemas for sexual enjoyment. We report a case of a klismaphiliac who had an impacted foreign body in his rectum following an enema with a concrete mix.

A 20-year-old man presented to the emergency room complaining of rectal pain. A well-nourished, well-developed man without signs of intoxication was admitted in no apparent distress.

Digital examination of the rectum revealed a stony hard mass. Abdominal plain films showed a vertically oriented, low-lying radiopaque object in the rectum. A spherical radiolucency was noted in the upper pole of the mass. A blood alcohol level was negative. No other drug testing was performed.

Upon further questioning, the patient said that approximately 4 hrs earlier he and his boyfriend had been "fooling around." After stirring a batch of concrete mix, the patient laid on his back with his feet against the wall at a 45-degree angle while his boyfriend poured the mixture through a funnel into his rectum. After the concrete mass hardened, it became so painful that he sought medical care.

Under general anesthesia, the anus was dilated and two Foley catheters were inserted alongside the rectal mass to relieve suction. A concrete case of the rectum was delivered without incident. The rectal mucosa was intact with a hyperemic and edematous appearance.

The patient was kept overnight and discharged uneventfully the following morning. The attending physician recommended a psychiatric consultation, but the patient declined.


Examination of the specimen revealed a perfect concrete cast of the rectum, measuring 12 X 7 X 5 cm and weighing 275 g (Fig. 2). A thin layer of feces coated the surface and crevices. Grooves in the mass were consistent with rectal mucosal folds. A layer of concrete was chipped off the upper part of the specimen and revealed a white plastic ping-pong ball. This corresponded to the radiolucency observed in the abdominal x-ray.

Aug. 4th, 2008 03:46 pm (UTC)
light bulbs. oh gods, how can anyone think that is a good idea?

i have been permenantly scarred by growing up around the sick-sense-of-humor end of the medical community.
Aug. 4th, 2008 05:57 pm (UTC)
A little less showy, funny or urban myth worthy is the sad truth of anal play - too many people do not even know about the use of lube let alone use the right ones in the right amount.

I can't tell you how many times someone (OK, a submissive women) has asked me "when anal sex stops hurting" or worse, when it stops bleeding. As a person who enjoys a certain amount of pain (grin) I am not one of those "it should never hurt" people. But it should not hurt every time, or bleed every time, come on. Where's some common sense here??

Not to mention the imagination that goes into believing the lube on a condom is plenty for anal sex; or that spit is, or pussy juices. (Or, let alone "anal juices" a staple of bad porn.) Stunt perverts get to play with amounts and types of lube when they know their way around the butthole. But far too many people seem to err on the side of too little, not often enough, and then the inevitable blaming and recriminations.

And that's way to anal for even my tastes.
Aug. 4th, 2008 07:13 pm (UTC)
butt beads gone bad
This is not as bad as the other but I am able to laugh at it now even though it only happened a few months ago. I decided to surprise my Dominant with my butt beads in when we got home from going out to dinner and a Leather social. I make it most of the night before I realize the handle of the beads is tangled with my tampon string thus pulling at both my tampon and the beads. Sadly tampon lost the battle and after bending down to pick up a droped lighter the tampon popped right out.I failed to mention earlier that I'm not wearing panties and the tampon is dangling from my butt beads. Thank any and every deity out there that my skirt was just long enough. I quickly excuse myself to go to the bathroom and of course there are 3 people in line for one bathroom. by the time I'm up next I look out the window to see an ex Dom that I hadnt seen since we broke up and in a moment of sheer panic I run away to my car. as i ran something either panic or the motion of running relaxed my sphincter enough that the first two beads pop out. I get back to the care and get the delightful task of pulling out beads in my passanger seat and having to wrap them in one of my stockings. From this day out ive learned never to wear beads and a tampon and to always cary a plastic baggy for untimely removals in public.
Aug. 5th, 2008 01:20 am (UTC)
The author is not a sympathetic character, but it's fun to laugh at him:

Aug. 5th, 2008 10:07 am (UTC)
Buttsex 101 : Arseholes contain shit.
Aug. 5th, 2008 02:37 am (UTC)
All i am gonna says... put the condom ON the candle Before Use!
Aug. 5th, 2008 02:52 am (UTC)
Fiction, but memorable.
Aug. 5th, 2008 03:40 pm (UTC)
new boyfriend moving in finds a tube of anal eze under the couch. i had to 'splain that it wasn't even for me but for the EX who liked to stick vibrating things up HIS arse, and not for me.
yeah. kind of awkward moment for the new bf and i.
Aug. 7th, 2008 01:25 am (UTC)
Well, mine's not as bad as the rest. But it was pretty bad at the time. LOL. Pretty common mistake though

But I was having sex with a guy.. and it was our first time to have sex together.

We had discussed alternative sexual practices anyways, being as I knew I was into BDSM and what the might entail.

He told me he was interested in trying anal, and I told him I was up to trying... given it was done correctly. We chatted some more and left it at that.

So we're going at it for the first time, on a different day, a few weeks later. So we are in doggie style, having a pretty good time of it.

He leans down, says "I reallly want to try anal sex on your cute ass."

And then proceeds to pull out his penis, and try to SHOVE it into my asshole.

No lube.

Same condom.

No ACTUAL warning.

And pushing REALLLLY hard.

As a masochist... I will say... NOT HAPPY PAIN!

I kicked his thigh out from under him, rolled over and said.. "Uh.. negative. That's not the right way." He wanted to go back to regular sex... using the same condom. Which, for me at least, is also a no-no. I got up, got dressed, and left shortly there after.

Have never tried anal sex since. Boys.

I had a sore asshole for 3 days just from his trying to ram it in.
( 33 comments — Leave a comment )

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